Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.