Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

i have one speed and it’s mosey

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

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OMG DAD WAT?
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Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

can you read it!!??

maan!

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad