*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Perfect
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way