Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward