Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
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In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
also my go-to takeaway order
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
I did not eat the cake…
