Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

All set.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

My Sentiments Exactly

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

Take care of yourself, ladies

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.