If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
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just got my engagement photos
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.