Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
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I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive