Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

sigh

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

It’s the weekend y’all

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

Never let them know your next move 😂

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.