I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.