Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
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men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.