Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
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cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
liiiiiiiiike
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.