Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but