Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone: