This made me chuckle.
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WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I need this for my side hustle.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn