the way this pissed me off… 😭
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Yup
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that