Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

Twitter is an abusement park.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

What the hell happened here.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

This is my emotional support online shopping cart