[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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British people be like I’m Bri ish
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?