woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.