me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
You Might Also Like
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Morning.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.