The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.