My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.