My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
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Accurate
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
🗽
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.