Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.