I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.