Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

“no gods no masters” = leo

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

i wonder why they stopped looking

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

dead inside

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.