5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
You Might Also Like
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?