Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

Nothing.

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

goldfish mafia