Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

My time has come.

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Found my door mat

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

Facebook marketplace is a different world

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?