if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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He’s dead
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
#SuperBowl
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.