y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
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I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
no way 😭
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.