Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.