captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
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The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”