Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
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Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I’m Sold!
My dog ate my work from home.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon