At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
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cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.