Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
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Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
omg leave her alone
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.