Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
What legos do when we’re not looking.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby