Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits