Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Risking my life for fun.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
