something like this could probably happen to anyone
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*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story