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The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.