Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.