Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

what’s really going on

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

I’m dying louder than usual today.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died