me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Good morning.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first