Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package