Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Wasps: bees, but not helping

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”