Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no