Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.