Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.