[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
This took me a second..
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”