Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…

Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

Me irl

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.